My raw, real natural birth experience

Hey guys!

I know it’s been a minute since I last did a post. This isn’t a nursing related blog post, it is very personal one but as a mama to be and nurse I had always been fascinated with birth and the transition into motherhood. I’ve been pretty busy being pregnant, birthing a human and looking after said human for the last year. But I have wanted to do a post about my birth experience for a while, mainly just to process what I went through and share it with anyone who is interested enough to read about it. I always used to think, how painful could birth really be right?

Well if you, like me, had always wondered if the women on tv shows were exaggerating I’m about to be completely real and honest about what I went through.

**Disclaimer – if you are currently pregnant I would advise maybe not reading this post, unless you are prepared for me to be very honest about my birth experience, the pain of a natural birth, etc.

At 40 weeks 3 days pregnant I woke up to some light cramping, not even close to normal period cramping so I didn’t think much of it. An hour later at 8am my water broke while I was standing in the doorway talking to Cian. Our conversation went from “Ouch I just had a bad cramp” to “Cian I’m peeing my pants” to “It’s gushing everywhere, it looks like water, oh shit it is my waters.” I then waddled to the toilet and sat there in shock at the sudden shocking realisation that I was about to push out a 7lb child within the next 24 hours. I believe it was around this moment that I lost my pregnancy glow and gained my oh sh*t I am about to be a parent badge. I truly wish me going into labour was more romantic or exciting, or I was in the supermarket and got to say “clean up on aisle 4” over the intercom…

Over the next 12 hours I was in denial and shock and made some questionable decisions. After my water broke, Cian and I went out for breakfast with my mum, sister, and dad while I was having mild contractions and my water was gushing out on the stool as I ate my Eggs Benedict (sorry to the poor waiter who looked like he’d seen a ghost). I was determined to enjoy my last day of freedom, whether that included contractions and my water gushing everywhere or not. Around 7pm that evening my period-like contractions turned into the sort of pain that makes you curl over and groan. There’s no way to describe contractions except that they start off pretty mild, lulling you into a false sense of security and a feeling of “Oh is this it? I can do this.” but then they slowly get worse, coming in waves, until you completely lose your sense of humour, can’t speak a full sentence, and have tears in your eyes.

After waiting a few hours at home, I decided enough was enough. At 12am my mum and sister dropped Cian and I off at Auckland hospital, I was definitely scaring the security guards into thinking I was about to pop a baby out in the parking lot as I got out of the car. I waddled up to the delivery suite, and was put into a lovely big room with a beautiful view of the city skyline.

I changed into a gown and lay on the bed as my midwife put the leads on my tummy to monitor my contractions. They were getting pretty bad at this point. She checked my cervix and I was only 1cm dilated. Impossible, I thought. I had been contracting for at least 4 hours, and these were EXTREMELY painful. Gutted, but at least I still had time for an epidural (hahahaha, so funny Liv).

I told my mum and sister I was 1cm dilated, so they went home to sleep for a couple hours before coming back. I prepared myself for the long haul. Within an hour my contractions were really bad. It felt like my body was being ripped in half. I was jumping up and down on the swiss ball so violently I probably looked like a creature out of the exorcist. Each contraction was like a wave. As they got worse it felt like I could barely hold my head above the water. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t talk. I could hardly breathe. Each wave crashed over and I was drowning in the pain, only gaining clarity in the 30 seconds between contractions. The gas I was sucking on served more as a distraction from the pain than any relief. I was dribbling and groaning and screaming as I sucked in the gas, thrashing my body around in an attempt to distract myself like a fish out of water. I then violently projectile vomited across the room, and would suggest not having Mexican for dinner before giving birth. The midwife said it was just the gas making me nauseous (Again, hahaha. Nope.). The intensity was just indescribable. If there was a bus driving past I would have thrown myself under it at this point. I was begging for the epidural, but my midwife thought I was extremely dramatic and only 1cm dilated. I continued with this pain until I could take no more.

I threw myself onto the hospital bed, rocking back and forth, it was impossible to find a comfortable position through the agony. The midwife FINALLY came in with the doctor, and said she would page the anaesthetist to organise my epidural. Thanks hun much appreciated, I’ll just wait here patiently. No rush.

And then it happened. The overwhelming urge to push. The feeling of something the size of a basketball coming out of me. I could feel my bones and ligaments stretching and moving, being pushed to the side, as my baby was coming out. I didn’t want to push. I was scared. I begged them for the epidural. They said it was too late, I was fully dilated. I was only 1cm dilated an hour ago, and thought it was impossible that I was ready to give birth now. Apparently not. It felt like I was being ripped in half, I was fighting each contraction, terrified with what was to come. After a stern talking to from the midwife, I knew I needed to push my baby out.

So push I did. As I felt Blake crowning I begged them to cut him out. It was very painful but once his head was out I felt no more pain. They told me that his heart rate was dropping and the cord was around his neck. He needed to come out right now. It felt like I went into another planet, another universe, a place in between nothing at all and life itself. I went to bring my baby into the world. I pushed with each contraction, and 30 minutes later he was born.

At 2.06am on May 1st 2021, my 26th birthday, our son was born. He was born not breathing, with the cord wrapped around his neck twice. I looked down and saw a small pale body lying in between my legs on the end of the bed. I heard Cian’s anguish, the terror in his voice as he was saying “NO, NO.. please…” I screamed at the midwife to please help my baby. Please save him. The emergency bells went, and staff rushed into the room. They took his lifeless body and during those few minutes, time stopped, and it felt like hours. Finally he let out a cry and I felt utter relief. They placed Blake on my chest. I lay there covered in my own vomit and blood, with my baby on my chest. He was finally here.

Honestly, I didn’t feel euphoria, or an overwhelming feeling of love when I held Blake. I felt relief that we were both alive. I felt grateful. I felt terror and shock about the pain and fear I had just gone through. I was lucky though; I had my baby boy and he was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t even tear. I gave birth without the epidural. I did it.

Happy birthday to us, my darling boy.

A big thank you to Cian, the most wonderful, supportive, and loving partner and daddy I could ask for. Thank you for being there every step of the way, even when I was a dribbling screaming mess.

I wish I could say the months that followed my birth got easier for me, but it did not. I really, really struggled during the postpartum phase. In fact, I’ve only just started enjoying motherhood in the last couple of months. It has been a rough ride but I absolutely love my little boy more than anything in the world and he makes me so incredibly happy.

I am so grateful to have him and he has made our lives whole. We are the proudest parents and we think Blake is just perfect.

I would love to share more about my experience postpartum, the highs and lows of becoming a new mama, and how I’ve managed to navigate that. If you are interested in reading more please let me know.

Liv x