Postpartum Series: Kate

In our fourth interview for the postpartum series, I am bringing you an interview with Kate Smit. Kate is a mama in her 20’s who lives in Auckland.

We discuss all things postpartum, and Kate shares her advice for new mamas.

Hi Kate! Thank you so much for joining me in an interview about your postpartum experience.

Let’s start by introducing yourself and your little family…

Hello, my name is Kate, I am 27 and mother to Remy Rae who is 2.5 years old. I am a primary school teacher and beach lover. I live with Remy and our little dog Minnie. I work part time and on my days off, and love being a mum!

Remy Rae is the best. She came out loud and she hasn’t changed since her first cry.

She is also loving and independent - she is definitely the lady of the house. She has so much love to give and it’s amazing to watch. Remy is a mini mumma, always looking after her dolls. However, she is also very much into cement mixers and diggers - it’s a great balance!

I found having a newborn challenging, but not as challenging as a toddler. A newborn doesn’t need much - just milk, warmth and love. With a toddler you have to put in the work through actually parenting them. You have to teach them things like manners, being gentle, and being fair etc… you don’t think about that until you are in the moment. I find it tricky - I feel responsible to shape her into a great human, and she is a fantastic human.

Remy Rae is such a beautiful name, how did you pick it?!

Being a teacher I have seen a lot of names - I love so many of them! With that being said, I didn’t want to call her a name that one of my students had!

Remy was one of my favourites, and it goes so well with Rae - my Omas name. She had no name for 2 days because we couldn’t agree, but Jamie eventually came round to it.

Can you tell us about giving birth to Remy Rae, and your subsequent postpartum recovery?

My actual birth was good! I put my trust in everyone around me and listened to my midwife.

Leading up to birth, the baby had stopped growing at 35 weeks so I had growth scans weekly and was induced at 38 weeks. I had a cervical balloon put in on a Monday morning and Remy was born on the Tuesday night. I stayed in hospital overnight with the balloon in for 24 hours before they broke my waters. Nothing happened for 2 hours after the balloon was in, so I got put on the drip and things started happening very quickly.

At 2pm my contractions were immediately strong. I asked for the epidural around 6pm and it didn’t quite numb the pain, it sped everything up even more and I went from 2cm to 10 in a couple hours.

Remy was born at 9pm. My midwife and Remys dad nearly missed it, it was that quick! I found birthing the placenta just as painful as giving birth, if not more, I really didn’t enjoy that part. I only slightly grazed so needed a few stitches and that was that. It was a bit of a whirlwind after a worrying and long couple of weeks.

Postpartum recovery for me was okay. I developed severe mastitis and wouldn’t wish it on anyone; it was horrific. Therefore, breastfeeding was the hardest part of my early mum journey, but I managed to get the mastitis under control quite quickly, thank goodness.

In terms of support - I had amazing support from my mum. She would basically come over every 2 hours (during the feeding time) to help me latch remy and wipe my tears for every feed. It was PAINFUL.

Remy also had colic which was also tough. She would scream for hours and it was so exhausting at times. I remember someone saying “does she do this everyday” and in my head I was thinking “no every 2 hours” but I was just too upset to even answer so just gave a nod. Once that settled I found my groove and have loved being a mumma ever since.

Are you happy with how much support you had after having a baby? What do you think we, as a community, can do, to support mamas?

I really appreciated the midwife visits for those first 6 weeks, I cried when she came for her last visit because she was so amazing. I also had the most amazing support in my mum - she took my laundry and did it every day.

My family and friends came to cook me dinners and never stayed too long, it was all amazing. But eventually it does stop and you are stuck in your new reality, which took some adjusting of course. I was (and still am) an anxious person/mum, which made it hard for me to relax or nap when she was napping. I never felt unsupported.

Now that Remy is a toddler, do you wish people still helped you in your motherhood journey? What would that look like?

Yes, I wish people helped more! It is strange.

The visits become less frequent for sure and you carry on with your new life. Initially I was lost and didn’t know how to balance my friends, without babies and mum life. But my friends are so supportive and loving, I’m so lucky.

I think if you have a friend with a toddler you have to understand that sometimes it is impossible to leave the house. So it’s best to go to the mums house. Plans could change because the toddler all of a sudden has a temperature. So be understanding, and take dinner with you. Toddler mums are still new mums - I am still learning every single day!!

I feel like I need more help now than ever, because toddlers nap less and need you more - it’s always a balancing act. A meal and a visit would be amazing.

How have you coped through lockdowns with having Remy at home all day?

Lockdown was good. I chose to take the positive route and I just thought, how lucky am I! I get to have more special, one on one time with her. Some days were too long and tantrums were too loud - but all in all, I actually loved it. I watched her grow overnight and we just got in our own little routine. It was a beautiful and simple little life.

What is the best thing about being a mama?

It’s hard to put into words the best part. She is just the best. I wouldn’t want a life without her. I think the best part is how much she taught me about life and how certain I am of everything now that she is here. She makes me laugh and cry all in one go - I love her more than life itself.

What has been the most difficult part?

The most difficult part is not knowing what she needs and I worry I won’t be there for her when she needs me most. I find maternal anxiety the hardest part. There is so much to worry about, and sometimes I find it so overwhelming.

It’s 2021, and the juggle is real for mamas and work. What are you doing around work/career and motherhood?

I am back at work!

I went back four days a week when Remy was 7 months old. We then went into our first ever lockdown and I realised how much I was missing. So after lockdown I only did three days a week and it is the perfect balance. My mum has her one day and the other two days she is in daycare. Getting out the door in the morning is not easy but being prepared always helps, I love working and I love being a mum.

I understand that you and Remy’s dad separated shortly after she was born.

How did you cope with that at the time? What advice would you give to couples who are co-parenting, especially for couples who are new parents?

Yes! We broke up when Remy was 6months old. We only just met when we fell pregnant, so we gave it a go but it didn’t work out for us unfortunately.

Around the time we broke up, I was just about to start work and having sleepless nights (Remy still doesn’t sleep through), so I just went on auto-pilot and knew I needed to be a positive force in her life. I never let her see me cry or see me down; I didn’t want her to be effected.

I think it’s a mum thing - you just find inner strength and want your baby to be happy. However, eventually I did have to work through it all, but luckily I have support all around me.

My village got me through it.

Advice for co parenting is a tricky one, because every person and situation is so different. For us, we made it clear from the start that Remy was a priority and it didn’t matter how we felt about it. So we made a plan and stuck to it basically, but it sounds easier than it actually was. We still talk everyday and support each other because we both want the best for Remy - having that in common it makes everything else seem easy.

With that being said, letting her go was really hard. My first nights without her were horrific - I was so worried. But now it is all she knows - it’s her normal - we are trying our best! Remy has two afternoons with her dad and a weekend night with him, so she stays with me during the week. Keeping a routine is essential for her wellbeing.

We both love her - at the end of the day nothing else matters.

What will be your essential newborn items if you have another bubba one day?

For baby -

A pram with a bassinet - Remy would only fall asleep in the moving pram for a few months
White noise machine
Baby carry wrap - stretchy material
Dummy - I was so against the dummy but she’s a sucker and now I feel bad I didn’t give it for the first 4 weeks. Live and learn

For mum -

Nipple shields - for breastfeeding
Breast pads - for any milk leaks

Do you have any other advice to give new mamas trying to navigate postpartum life, and what can we do to prepare for having a toddler?!

The biggest thing I have come to know. Is that there will always be a “hard phase” - then the hard things get easier as you learn to deal with them and then a new “hard phase” comes along. At first it was breastfeeding, then colic, then solids, then sleep or lack thereof. Then teeth. Then toddler tantrums, then daycare drop offs. Eventually it will be friends and boy troubles... I am learning to ride the wave and the “hard phases”.

I will always try to be a gentle, loving, and supportive mother along the way.