How my PPD went undiagnosed for months
Hi guys,
Today I’ll be writing more about my postpartum experience and why I was diagnosed with postpartum depression far too late (4 months postpartum), by the time I was diagnosed I was over the worst of it, but I could have saved myself a lot of suffering if I’d sought help earlier. This is a very honest and vulnerable post so I ask you to please be kind if you have any comments to add. I really do hope this helps someone whose situation might be similar to mine.
Postnatal depression effects 15% of new mothers in NZ (I suspect this figure is actually much higher). It is such a common illness but there isn’t nearly enough information about it given to new mothers.
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After having Blake, I was in shock from giving birth so fast, and struggled to process the terrifying moment when he was born unresponsive. The day I gave birth is the day the “numb” feelings started.
I was easily irritated, dreaded the times Blake was awake, struggled to bond, felt no ambition or hope for the future, and stopped taking care of myself.
I loved my baby more than anything in the whole world, I would have given my life for him in an instant. He was (and still is) more perfect and cute than I could have imagined! (Seriously, how he is so cute?). But I really struggled to feel emotions other than “numb”, I think initially this was a way to protect myself from more trauma.
I’m normally an emotional person and don’t mind having the odd cry to let off some steam, so in hindsight it was abnormal for me to shut down emotionally after giving birth. During this time Cian was so understanding, and gave me so much grace. He always made sure my water bottle was full, and I had a snack, that I knew how much he loved me, he would hold my hand during every painful feed. Without Cian I honestly don’t know where I would be today. He is the best partner and daddy in the world. We are so lucky.
I struggled with the bonding process - and by bond I mean the intense attachment and the want to shower him with affection and kisses. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when you look at your baby.
The bonding was further hindered by weeks of insomnia (not being able to sleep even when I had the opportunity), pain learning to breastfeed, getting sepsis 10 days post birth and being helicoptered to hospital, and more.
I like to think I handled these obstacles fairly well, with no complaints, I just got on with it (I’m sure Cian would disagree with this lol). Mostly, I pretended everything was okay when it wasn’t.
Of course, I had moments of breaking down when I couldn’t take it anymore, but I would quickly get myself back together and move on. I carried on with motherhood and functioned relatively well. By that I mean Blake was always fed, changed, clean, cuddled, and loved. I made sure he was always looked after. But I lost myself in the process of trying to be the “perfect” mummy. Externally I appeared fine, internally I was struggling.
Then colic set in. Blake cried non stop for 2-4 hours, every single day, for over two months. At one point it was so bad, that he cried pretty much all day. I took him to the GP, changed formula, did tummy massages, took him to an osteopath, read multiple books, and did endless google searches, to no avail. I was convinced I was just a terrible mum. Obviously I needed be better for him, I thought. I had failed my baby because he was so unhappy, all the time. The rare times that he was content, I was too tired to be relieved. I know I had no choice other than to be numb during this time, how else could I cope?!
One day, the crying just stopped. Blake suddenly turned into a happy, content, baby. His personality appeared - he is so gentle, funny, kind and loving. He is the most loveable and incredible human I’ve ever met (Cian comes in at a close second). Once the crying subsided, the guilt kicked in even more… he no longer has colic, so where is that amazing bond?
Another month went by, and I started to slowly feel better, until Blake hit the 4-month regression. He went from sleeping 6 hour stretches to waking up every 1-2 hours for weeks. When I felt that numbness coming back, I properly opened up to Cian and reached out to my GP for help. She told me it sounds like I had PPD, we both agreed that we would try other options before medication, and she sent me resources to help.
After we sleep trained Blake, my mental health improved a lot. I was sleeping 6-10 hour stretches at night and Blake was happy and settled during the day. I felt the bond growing everyday, and my love for him was stronger then ever. My emotions came back, I felt sad and happy and angry, not just “numb”. It was such a relief!
I wish I had reached out earlier. I wish I had more mental health support. I wish more people asked if I was ok.
Because I wasn’t ok.
6-months out I am fully recovered. I’m exercising, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep. I’m kind to myself and have ambitions for myself again. I clearly communicate with Cian so he knows what I need, but he has been so supportive and understanding throughout this time. I’m me again.
Blake is my whole world, and we have an amazing bond. I literally never stop kissing and cuddling him, and when he’s asleep I miss him and look at photos of him (aka I’m obsessed). This is my light at the end of the dark tunnel.
But I’m disappointed. Why is this so hard to talk about? Why isn’t there enough support for mental health postpartum? Why isn’t there free counselling offered to every new mother? Why do we leave mothers in the lurch after that initial “newborn” phase has finished?
When the frozen meals stop being dropped off, and your phone no longer buzzes with the messages of support and concern, all you are left with is your baby, your new identity, and a new world to navigate by yourself. It’s meant to take a village to raise a child, right? I guess not anymore.
I think it’s time to start building a community again.
To all the mama’s out there struggling, I get it, and I see you. If you think you have postpartum depression and don’t know where to start, I’ve added some resources below.
Me during PPD
Signs/symptoms of postpartum depression
• Depressed mood, irritability, loss of interest in normal activities, tiredness and fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite, low libido, poor concentration, feelings of guilt about inability to look after the new infant
Where to get help
• Reach out to someone you trust, and tell them how you are feeling
• Call your midwife and talk about your symptoms
• Make an appointment with your general practitioner, tell them you think you may have PPD
Speak to trained a professional
To speak with a registered nurse, call on 0800 933 922 anytime and/or text 1737 to speak with a trained counsellor
Access affordable counselling services for PPD
Mothers matter offer a course to support mothers with PPD, to book or speak to a professional call 0800 002 717
If you are based in Auckland and experiencing signs of PPD, you can contact the postnatal distress centre and request an appointment
How you might support someone experiencing PPD
Acknowledge their struggle
Thank the person for discussing their PPD with you, making sure you are completely non-judgemental at all times.
Be understanding, not dismissive
Don’t minimise or undermine what they are experiencing, and validate their feelings. For example saying “you could have it worse” or “you are so lucky, you should be grateful your baby is healthy” is really unhelpful. I promise you they are already feeling embarrassed and guilty about how they are feeling, so please be understanding.
Encourage them to seek professional help
Encourage them to seek professional help, and go with them to do so, if you can. This is so they feel supported and safe. If you are worried about their immediate safety, please get in touch with the suicide crisis helpline ASAP.
Check in every day
Once the person is seeking professional help, check in on them everyday. Ask them how they are feeling, and what they need from you. Even if the person seems distant or disengaging, please keep reaching out. Even if it’s just a text saying “I’m thinking of you today, I hope you are doing okay. I’m always here if you need me.” will mean so much to them.
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When the word depression comes to mind, I think of someone who can’t bear to get out of bed in the morning, someone who cries all the time, and finds no joy in things they used to. But it doesn’t look like that for everyone. If you are feeling down, numb, not bonding with your baby, or shutting other people out, it’s time to ask for help.
Did you have PPD after giving birth? How did you cope with it?
Liv x